And what if I kill myself. How many of you would care? I go to school everyday like a damn zombie; I’m invisible; Every day I wonder whats wrong with me: why can’t I just trust in God and let Him lead me. Truth is i’m scared. I’m scared he’s going to hurt me like everyone else. I’m scared because my faith is too small. It’s too weak. I’m too weak; I know that God is strongest in my weakness I just can’t stop myself from refusing to let God help me. I keep trying to find my own ways to gain happiness and satisfaction but in the end I lose more of myself. Little by little i’m disappearing and soon I’m going to just melt into the world and no one will notice. I’m just not good enough; I’m not popular enough; I’m not godly enough; I’m not strong enough; I’m not smart enough; I’m not obedient enough; I’m not self controlling enough; I’m just not good enough. I never was. There are days like today when I just can’t take it anymore and I wonder to myself; why did God choose me to lead a youthgroup. I don’t set a good example. I’m straying further and further away. I’m dying from the inside out; I just want to drink my sorrows away and let myself bleed out. If only I could muster up the courage to take my own life. No I don’t think it’s right but I don’t want to feel an ache in my heart anymore. I don’t want to be invisible; I’d rather not be here. In all this I realized that what hurts the most is not from physical pain but from knowing you’re unwanted, unloved, and lonely.
Grade 12 is too damn stressful. Wanna shoot myself full of lead so I can stop being yelled at. Why am I so proud and arrogant. Damn.